Ingratiation

The term ingratiation refers to behaviors that a person illicitly enacts to make others like him or her or think well of his or her qualities as a person. There are many ways in which people can ingratiate themselves. One that is frequently used is to show interest in another person; ask questions, pay attention, and single out the person so that you make him or her feel special. A second strategy is do favors or to help or assist a person. For instance, you can bring your colleague a cup of coffee or help an attractive stranger with car trouble. Third, you may show support and loyalty, for instance during a meeting, when you express agreement with your supervisor. A fourth way to make people like you is simply to smile and be friendly, cheerful, and positive. Fifth, you can directly express admiration by flattering people and telling them what you like or admire about them. There are many other ways to make people like you; the bottom line is that any behavior that potentially has the effect of enhancing your likeability and is enacted for this reason can be seen as an instance of ingratiation.

This does not mean that all likeable behaviors are examples of ingratiation; the crucial point is what the motive for the behavior is. For instance, if you support your boss in a meeting because you really agree with him or her, or if you help someone for totally altruistic reasons, the behavior is not ingratiating. Of course, the boundary is quite fuzzy here, because people are not always aware of their true motives. You may consciously think that you really agree or that you are really being altruistic, whereas unconsciously you may want to ingratiate yourself. Many instances of ingratiation are unconscious, so ingratiation happens a lot more than one might think.

On the part of the target—the person being ingratiated—too, ingratiation is not always recognized as such. Whereas observers tend to quickly notice when ingratiation occurs (especially when a person behaves more favorably toward people he or she depends on than toward others), targets of ingratiation are less suspicious. Thus, the behavior is generally quite effective precisely with respect to the person for whom it is intended, the target. So, when you flatter a teacher or go out of your way to assist him or her, your fellow students who see this may immediately suspect your motives, but the teacher may simply appreciate your help or your excellent judgment of character and like you as a result.

One of the causes of this difference between observers and targets is that most people aim to have a positive view of themselves (the self-enhancement motive), and when they are ingratiated, this bolsters their self-esteem. This makes them feel good, even if they might not entirely trust the ingratiator's motives. Importantly, there is a difference between cognitive and affective responses to ingratiation. Cognitively, you may suspect someone's motives, especially if the person flatters you on qualities that you really do not have in your own view. Affectively, however, it feels good when someone is interested in you, likes you, supports you, and compliments you. Many people say that they do not care for this, but unconsciously all people like to feel good about themselves, and they feel good most of all when they feel valued by others.

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