Dependence Regulation

Definition

Dependence regulation refers to people's tendency to adjust how close they allow themselves to be to a significant other to match the perceived risks of rejection. People risk greater closeness when they are more confident that their relationship partner accepts them and regards them positively (and the risk of rejection is perceived to be lower). In contrast, people find less to value in relationships where they are more uncertain or doubtful about the other's regard for them (and the risk of rejection is perceived to be higher). People regulate dependence so that they can protect against the potential pain of rejection in advance by devaluing relationships where rejection seems likely. After all, it should hurt less to feel rejected if people can convince themselves that they did not really care all that much about the partner that hurt them in the first place.

Background and History

Psychologists interested in studying bonds between parents and children and between adults in romantic relationships have long recognized that relationships are inherently risky. Depending on another person, and coming to love and value them, gives that person tremendous power over one's emotions and welfare. Having one's needs met by a significant other can be a great source of happiness, but having one's needs ignored by that same significant other can be a great source of unhappiness. Consequently, situations of dependence—situations where one person relies on another person to meet his or her needs—raise anxieties about rejection and disappointment.

Imagine an interaction between spouses, Harry and Sally. When Harry has broken a promise to spend an evening out with Sally, Sally must decide whether to risk letting her welfare depend on Harry's actions again in the future. Deciding not to trust Harry's promises protects Sally from feeling rejected or let down in the future. However, such a cautious or selfprotective choice also limits Harry's future opportunities to demonstrate his trustworthiness, putting the well-being of the relationship at greater risk.

Relationships thus present a central context where two fundamental motives—the need to protect against the potential pain of rejection and the need to establish satisfying connections to others—can frequently conflict. For people to put concerns about rejection aside psychologically, they need to be able to give themselves some sort of assurance that the risks of rejection are minimal. A sense of confidence in a relationship partner's positive regard and caring provides the psychological insurance policy people need to establish and maintain satisfying and fulfilling connections to others.

Evidence

To establish the needed level of confidence in a relationship partner's positive regard and acceptance, people need to believe that this partner sees positive [Page 239]qualities in them worth valuing. To feel confident of Harry's regard, for instance, Sally needs to believe that Harry sees her as warm, and smart, and responsive. Once established, this level of confidence in a partner's regard has a transforming effect on relationships.

Dating and marital relationships and parent–child relationships generally thrive when people both feel and are more valued by their relationship partner. For instance, in both dating and marital relationships, people report greater satisfaction and less conflict the more positively they believe their partner sees their traits, the more loved they feel, and the more positively their partner actually regards them. As for the qualities people attribute to a romantic partner, people in both dating and marital relationships are more likely to see the best in their partner's traits when they believe their partner loves and values them. Feeling positively regarded by a partner also predicts increases in satisfaction and decreases in conflict as relationships continue over time.

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