Betrayal

Definition

Betrayal refers to situations in which individuals (victims) believe that a relationship partner (a perpetrator) has harmed them by knowingly violating a norm [Page 114]governing their relationship. In this context, norms refer to expectations about how the relationship partners should treat one another. Typical betrayals might involve witnessing a romantic partner flirt with somebody else at a party or learning that a good friend has lied to you about something important. Although betrayals are especially likely to be experienced in close relationships, they can also be experienced in more casual relationships. For example, individuals may feel betrayed when a casual acquaintance spreads nasty gossip about them.

Norms vary in the degree to which they are generally accepted in a given culture versus distinctive to a particular relationship. In 21st-century American culture, for example, most individuals agree that having an extramarital affair and lying to one's partner about it constitutes a betrayal. In contrast, other norms apply only within certain specific relationships (e.g., “We must check in with one another at least once every three hours”). Victims experience betrayal when they perceive a norm violation by the perpetrator, regardless of whether the norm is commonly accepted in the culture or distinctive to that particular relationship.

The Experience of Betrayal

Severe betrayals are among the most painful experiences individuals endure during their lifetimes, frequently resulting in negative emotions such as anger and/or sadness and in motivations to enact revenge and/or to avoid the partner. In extreme cases, betrayals can color all aspects of victims' lives for an extended period of time, leaving them in a state of pain, confusion, and uncertainty. Even in more mild cases, betrayals are upsetting, frequently causing victims to experience impulses toward grudge and retaliation.

As a consequence of its negative effects on victims, betrayals create an interpersonal debt wherein the perpetrator owes some sort of compensation to repair the damage. Imagine that Linda and James are involved in a happy romantic relationship until James lies to Linda about something important. This betrayal temporarily alters the dynamics in their relationship: Linda becomes hurt and angry; James may well experience guilt and remorse. Both partners experience a sense that James has the primary responsibility to get the relationship back on track. In a sense, James owes Linda something, perhaps acknowledging the responsibility to “make it up” to her with gifts or other considerate gestures.

The situation is complicated, however, by perpetrators' and victims' tendencies to experience betrayal incidents from strikingly different perspectives. In a process termed the empathy gap, both the victim and the perpetrator engage in self-serving distortions of perspective that allow them to view themselves in the most positive light. Relative to perpetrators, victims regard perpetrator behavior as more arbitrary, incomprehensible, and gratuitous; experience greater distress; describe the transgression as more severe; attribute responsibility more to the perpetrator than to the self; and report that the transgression exerted more damaging and enduring effects on the relationship. Perpetrators experience greater guilt than victims do but also tend to regard victims' reactions as somewhat excessive and out of line with the magnitude of the transgression.

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