Wives of Prisoners

Stigma

Wives of prisoners are often seen as guilty by association. The public perception of convicted criminals is overwhelmingly negative, and wives of these individuals suffer from a similar stigma. It is the rare person who can understand why a wife would remain supportive of a “bad” person, a person whom society sees as “other.” Although these women are perceived as losers, in fact they endure hardships in ways that demonstrate resourcefulness, patience, flexibility, and commitment. In addition, the poverty and minority status of most prisoners and their families adds to their difficulty. They face societal stigmas of racism and classism, and they often have few resources with which to deal with the challenges incarceration presents.

Because of the stigma of incarceration, many wives of prisoners choose to live some version of a secret or double life. They may not tell employers that their partners are incarcerated for fear of losing their jobs or casting suspicion on their character. They may also not tell the truth to their landlords. Not all of their family members may know what is actually going on. They may tell some friends but not others. Some wives of prisoners do not even admit to their children where their fathers really are, saying instead that they are in school, in the military, or working out of state. Although the fear of rejection may actually be greater than any actual mistreatment these women may receive, managing secrets becomes a way of life for many of them. Because of this, they are often denied much-needed support from community members.

Relationship Realities

Although there are some similarities between the lives of the wives of prisoners and those of wives in other relationships characterized by separation, such as military wives and wives of businessmen, the restraints that prison imposes on a relationship are significant. In addition to the stress of separation, prisoners' wives experience lack of privacy, lack of adequate communication channels, financial hardship, children without their father's presence, loneliness, and prison system rules and degradation. Perhaps the biggest source of tension in these marriages is jealousy. Incarcerated husbands fear that their wives will leave them for other men, and this fear drives many to be suspicious of everyone and everything. Prisoners' wives need to reassure their partners continually of their commitment to the relationship.

While incarcerated partners deal with the stresses of life inside the prison or jail, their wives are dealing with financial and family decisions, running households, visiting at the prison, working, and parenting by themselves. The challenge of sharing the life decisions that spouses make when communication must be achieved via short (and monitored) telephone calls, letters, and visits (which may be behind glass) is monumental. Sharing a life and family requires communication and ways of resolving conflict. The power imbalance that results when one partner is incarcerated often complicates matters. The person on the outside has the bulk of the resources on which the incarcerated person depends. This is not a healthy dynamic for a relationship. The pressures that prisoners' wives are under and the needs they have often clash with the pressures and needs of their incarcerated mates.

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