Stepmothers

A stepmother is a woman whose partner has a child or children from a previous relationship. Traditionally, this definition was limited to a woman whose husband had a child or children from a previous marriage that ended either in the death of the children's mother or in a divorce.

The definition has been expanded to include women whose current partner (either through marriage or cohabitation) has a child or children from any previous relationship, formal or informal, in which that partner acknowledges the child and has some role in the child's life. A woman in a same-sex relationship whose partner has children from a prior relationship is a stepmother to those children. (This is distinct from women in a lesbian relationship who have a child together or adopt a child together, who are comothers rather than one being the mother and the other a stepmother). A woman whose partner adopted a child prior to their couple relationship (with or without a previous partner), is a stepmother to that child. Given the complex nature of step relationships, stepmothers face significant challenges in this parental or quasi-parental role.

The stepmother label applies regardless of the age the children at the time the new relationship is established. In practice, however, both the role and use of the label are different if the children are adults when their parent enters the new relationship. Adult children are more likely to acknowledge their stepmother as their parent's wife or partner, rather than assigning the “mother” title. The label of stepmother may also be rejected either by the woman or the stepchildren involved. This can result from conflict or harsh emotions between the stepmother and the children, or because of indifferent or distance relationships.

A woman who is a stepmother may also have children of her own, giving her both a mother and mother-like role in the family. Remarried mothers whose former partner also remarries may be both mother and stepmother and have children who have a stepmother. The dynamics of these relationships are influenced by personal experiences as well as cultural influences.

Women who are stepmothers contend with negative cultural stereotypes as well as the challenge of helping to raise children with whom they have few (if any) legal ties and with whom they may or may not have any emotional ties. Although in North America, Europe, and Australia, the majority of women who are stepmothers do not live with their stepchildren full time, most are frequently engaged in typical mothering activities for their stepchildren, including household duties such as meal preparation, laundry, discipline, homework supervision, and transporting the children to and [Page 1168]from activities. The day-to-day relationship a stepmother has with her stepchildren is influenced by the custodial and visitation arrangement between the children's parents. Most frequently, stepmothers' partners are noncustodial fathers with visitation rights; increasingly, divorced parents are moving toward shared-parenting agreements, which also increases the time stepmothers spend with their stepchildren.

In some stepfamilies, the stepmother is seen and treated as a second mother; in others, she may assume the role of mentor, confidante, or friend to the stepchildren; in still others, she is a real or perceived rival for her partner's affections. The stepmother's position may also be impacted by loyalty conflicts the children have vis-à-vis their parent's ex-partner, most frequently a custodial, residential mother. The stepmother may be viewed as an interloper, displacing the mother in the child's life, or she may be considered an additional, positive presence. Research and social commentary in the late 20th and early 21st century indicate an increasing recognition of the need for stepmothers and mothers to work cooperatively for the best interests of the children in stepfamily situations.

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