Empty Nest

The Separation-Individuation Process

The clinical definition of separation and individuation is the emotional ability to form one's own sense of self, with one's own opinions, thoughts, and feelings, and to keep emotional boundaries in relationships. The separation part of the process indicates that an individual needs to experience himself/herself as distinct from his/her parent. A problem sets in when the mother has not successfully completed her own separation process from her mother. This incomplete emotional separation, then, is played out in the next generation's failure to do so in the form of an insecure attachment between mother and child.

The mother or father's reaction to the separation is reflective of his/her own separation issues, as well as the child's reaction to it. If the child has not experienced small, successful separations along the continuum of development in the form of such activities as sleepovers and summers away at camp, for example, this will be an issue when he/she ultimately leaves home either temporarily or permanently. If the parent has modeled that it is unsafe to separate or communicates a sense of abandonment, the child will internalize this insecurity toward being on their own away from the parents. On the other hand, if the parent has communicated that their relationship is more of an egalitarian friendship, the separation will feel harsh and wrenching because, in fact, they are each losing their best friend.

If the parent is divorced, separated, or widowed, the separation between parent and child may be more difficult for the child and alternatively, the empty nest feelings on the part of the parent may be strong, especially if the child has been reflecting the parent's needs; when he/she leaves the nest, there will no longer be a mirror left behind to reflect the parent's needs. However, on the other hand, if the parent has established new connections with friends, family, and colleagues, the separation may also be a smooth one. A great deal depends on the nature of the original separation and how it was handled as a family.

Empty Nest and Mommy Track

The mommy track refers to the choice made by either the mother or her employer to place the mother on an alternate career path, one that is compatible with motherhood. This route focuses on motherhood and often results in narrowing the working mother's career path. If this decision led to an expectation of motherhood that is all-encompassing or a form of hyper-parenting, it will ultimately limit the time and energy for employment, not withstanding the difficulty in making the leap back onto the fast track. If such a mother finds herself in this situation, the empty nest syndrome would come into play when the child leaves home. The focus from employment to motherhood has resulted in the mother's sense of self to be inextricably involved in this commitment.

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