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Daughters and Mothers

Mothers and daughters are sometimes considered natural allies and sometimes considered natural enemies. What resolves the paradox of the coexistence of these views is recognition of the societal myths about mothers that have profound impact on the mother-daughter relationship, as well as understanding of the nature of power as it pertains to mothers.

It is not, of course, the case that mothers and daughters have more problematic relationships than do mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, or fathers and sons. In fact, the likelihood that both mother and daughter have been socialized to care about and become skilled at dealing with feelings and relationships often enriches the mother-daughter relationship beyond other parent-offspring relationships. So does the potential for understanding each others' sex- and gender-based dilemmas.

Myths Interfering with Relationship

The first myths that can create or exacerbate problems between mothers and daughters are the four perfect mother myths, which establish standards that are difficult, if not impossible, for any human to meet. These myths are that good mothers raise perfect children, are endless founts of nurturance, naturally know everything necessary for raising perfect children, and never become angry.

The six bad-mother myths are sources of pressure on mothers, daughters, and others to take whatever a mother does—whether bad, neutral, or even good—and use it as evidence that mothers are bad. These myths are that mothers are inferior to fathers, they need expert advice to raise healthy children, they are bottomless pits of neediness, they are dangerous when they are powerful, mother-daughter closeness is unhealthy, and that mothers with paid work are bad mothers.

In the mother-daughter relationship, a great deal is at stake, because it has the potential to be wonderful and because they are likely to share many experiences and perceptions. Furthermore, since both are female, mother and daughter are likely, in most cultures, to have been socialized to be loving, empathic, and skilled at feelings and relationships. Set against this, however, are the pervasiveness of the two sets of myths about mothers, which increase the burdens on the mother-daughter relationship. If a daughter is influenced by these myths, the perfect-mother myths prime them to feel betrayed by and angry at mothers who are merely imperfect, and the bad-mother myths prime daughters to pathologize their mothers. The two sets of myths, if believed, make it difficult for daughters to observe and evaluate their mothers realistically, because they tend to see them through the myths' distorting filters.

Sexism and Stereotypes

The persistence of sexism in the form of negative stereotypes about women in general and mothers in particular increases the likelihood that mothers and daughters will blame themselves and each other, rather than understand the factors external to their relationship that often come between them. These factors also include the power imbalances that result from sexism, which are manifestated in the greater economic and political power that rests in the hands of men than in those of women, and the greater respect usually accorded men than women.

As often happens among those with less power and influence, mothers and daughters may be drawn closer by their shared, second-class circumstances, but may also be competing for the scarce economic and political resources allocated to them. This, at least in part, explains the socialization of both mothers and daughters to try to please the men in the family rather than each other.

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