Co-Mothering

Co-mothering is the experience of being a second mother to a child not biologically one's own. It is distinct from adoptive mothering or stepmothering in as much as the child's other parent is also a woman. In this respect the co-mother is not substituting for a missing parent so as to complete a heterosexual parent couple, but is in the position of an extra parent of the same gender as the child's mother. The term has assumed particular significance in the last 30 years with the visibility of lesbian couples and the increasing numbers of lesbian couples parenting children.

Within this context, a co-mother can be the female partner of a mother whose children were conceived in a previous heterosexual relationship. This situation is analogous to that of a stepmother. Alternatively, an established couple may jointly opt for parenthood. With advances in reproductive technologies, and changes to legislation governing these procedures, one partner in a lesbian couple may conceive using donated sperm, thus becoming a biological mother, while her partner becomes a co-mother. In this case, the co-mother is involved in the life of the child from conception. A co-mother may be the second parent of two (birth mother and co-mother), of three (birth mother, co-mother, biological father) or of four parents (birth mother, co-mother, biological father, partner of biological father) depending on the circumstances of conception.

In the United States and United Kingdom, the legal situation of a co-mother is not assured by her being the present partner of the birth mother.

In the United States, the situation is complex with different states adopting different approaches. Within a minority of states, second parent adoption is possible, which allows the co-mother to become a legal parent without affecting the rights of the biological mother. This issue is highly politically contested and likely to change. Currently, a co-mother may apply through the courts for parental responsibility, which, if awarded, grants her the same rights and responsibilities of the child's biological parents. However, to become the legal parent of the child, she must apply to adopt the child. This will extinguish the legal parental status of the biological father and his family, and is therefore problematic in situations where more than two adults have parental involvement (see above). The parental rights of the biological mother are not affected. In a small United Kingdom study, co-mothers were found to be less likely to work full time than fathers, less likely to be earning more than their partners, and likely to be more involved in childcare and household duties than heterosexual male partners. These findings suggest that co-mothering is not identical to fathering in terms of division of household and childrearing labor, nor in terms of financial dependency of birth mothers upon the other parent.