Absentee Mothers

An absentee mother is a woman who lives apart from her minor children on a temporary or permanent basis. The decision leading up to these formal and informal arrangements vary, but are often linked to women's social and economic disadvantages. The effect of absence on a woman, her children, and the mother-child relationship also differs depending on whether she was involved in the decision or had it imposed on her.

A mother's absence may result from a court decision that denies her some or all of her parental rights and restricts physical access to her minor children on a temporary or permanent basis. In the past, unmarried women felt social, economic, or religious pressures to surrender their newborns for adoption, thus permanently absenting themselves from their child's life. Many such women mourned, often in silence, the loss of their child and a life unlived together. Some adopted children grew up feeling bewildered, angry, or unlovable because of their birth mother's difficult decision. However, laws and social attitudes are changing, and many absentee mothers and their now-adult children are attempting contact. Depending on the life histories and expectations of mother, adult child, and their respective families, these reunions have varying outcomes: Some planned reunions are called off before they occur because of mistrust or mixed messages; [Page 9]some reunions are one- or two-time events that satisfy one or both parties, or neither, leaving emotions raw and many questions still unanswerable; still other reunions end a mother's long absence and begin a more or less satisfying relationship between her and her adult child.

The courts may remove a child from a mother who is experiencing difficulty parenting because she lacks adequate economic or social supports or parenting skills, or because she is incarcerated, has poor mental or physical health, or problems with drugs or alcohol. A mother will be absent from her child's life as long as the courts deem that the state or another relative is better able to provide for her child.

When a marriage or civil union ends, the courts may decide in favor of paternal or joint custody. Depending on the living arrangements, a mother may be absent from her child's life for days or weeks at a time.