Validation in Relationships

Validation of One's Personhood

Validation of one's personhood starts with the recognition of one's existence. Research suggests that those lacking this most rudimentary form of validation for their personhood—homeless individuals or children raised in grossly abusive contexts, for example—will struggle to forge satisfying relationships with others. This is not surprising when one considers that William James likened the denial of a person's existence to the most heinous forms of punishment. Indeed, after being ignored for just short periods of time in computerized interactions, people lash out aggressively at others, suggesting that even momentary failures to validate a person's existence can foster psychological distress.

Luckily, the typical person receives daily validation for his or her physical existence. Receiving validation for one's personhood extends beyond acknowledging one's existence, however, to acts that indicate a person's soundness and worthiness of respect. From the cradle to the grave, such validation plays a pivotal role in relationships.

Consider the writings of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth and the work on attachment more generally. This work spotlights the importance of validation in the infant-caregiver attachment bond. The extent to which primary caregivers exhibit sensitivity (i.e., noticing and responding) to the

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cues put forth by the infant determines the working models of self and other. Infants raised by attentive caregivers who respond to their cues (and in so doing validate their soundness and worthiness of respect) grow up to display positive views of self and positive views of others. Infants raised by inattentive caregivers—caregivers who imply that the infant somehow is not worthy of attention—have the misfortune of developing more negative models of self and other. These internal working models developed in infancy, in turn, shape the interpersonal territory that people navigate as they emerge into adulthood and beyond. In short, early in life—perhaps even from the beginning—the degree of validation for one's person that one receives from a primary caregiver can have important ramifications for present and future relationships.

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