Understanding

In a relationship context, understanding can acquire two different meanings. First, understanding can refer to a person's knowledge of a partner's dispositions, thoughts, and feelings. This type of understanding is defined as people's capacity to accurately perceive another person. For example, when John perceives Mary as extravert and Mary views herself as extravert, John understands Mary because he accurately knows that she is extravert. Second, understanding can refer to a person's sense of validation and acceptance by a partner. This type of understanding is defined as the feeling that others value, accept, and care for [Page 1659]the self. For example, when Mary discloses that she is nervous about giving a public presentation, John's response is cognizant of her feelings and reassuring, a reaction which makes Mary feel accepted, validated, and cared for. In this case, because John is responsive to Mary's needs, she feels understood. Thus, in the context of the first meaning “I understand you” means “I know who you are,” whereas in the context of the second meaning “I understand you” means “I accept, value, and care about you.” This entry discusses both types of understanding and examines their role in the maintenance of harmonious and long-lasting relationships.

Often, the two types of understanding are related. Knowledge of the partner facilitates a validating response, and by exchanging validating responses, people may gain knowledge about each other. Nevertheless, the two types of understanding are independent as well: Knowledge of someone's thoughts, feelings, and needs can be used exploitatively, and a validating response can occur even among complete strangers.

Undoubtedly, almost all relationships require both types of understanding. Relationships involve two people who are interdependent. Partners affect each other's thoughts, behavior, feelings, and well-being over time. Not surprisingly, both types of understanding are assumed to be particularly important when partners are highly interdependent, such as in close relationships. Indeed, knowing one's partner is more important when people interact on a daily and intimate basis than when they interact only sporadically. The coordination of life activities simply works better when people know each other. Similarly, feeling validated is more important to people when the partner is close and significant. Thus, both types of understanding should facilitate the maintenance of harmonious and stable relationships with frequent and positive interactions between partners. In the following section, this entry will describe psychological research examining this suggestion.