Sex in Established Relationships

Expectations regarding Sex in Different Types of Relationship

Although romantic or intimate relationships come in many different forms, most of them come with relatively specific expectations regarding sex. For example, relationships can be categorized as being [Page 1445]either monogamous (sexually exclusive) or non-monogamous (nonexclusive). In Western society, marriage between a man and a woman is the most common form of established relationship and has the strongest governmental, social, and religious recognition. Although heterosexual marriage is equated with monogamy, a marriage can, like other forms of intimate relationships, be nonmo-nogamous or open by agreement. The arrangement can be limited to sex, but it can also go beyond sex and allow for multiple, concurrent relationships. In addition to marriage, many couples may choose to live together (or cohabitate), either as a step towards marriage or as an alternative way to define and express their feelings for and commitment to each other. Many gay and lesbian couples live together, although increasingly, in the United States and other countries, they may get married. Monogamy tends to be more important for lesbian than for gay couples; the latter more often negotiate nonexclusivity. In comparison to heterosexual and gay and lesbian relationships, less is known about bisexual men and women in established relationships.

Frequency and Quality of Sex

A number of studies, involving national samples, have explored how often couples engage in sexual activities. On average, married men and women report having sex about six times a month, although differences between couples are large. The average frequency is higher for cohabitating men and women and for gay couples and lower for lesbian couples. Relationship duration is one of the factors known to influence the frequency of sexual activity; it is highest during the first few years of newly established relationships and then tends to show a steady decline. This applies to both heterosexual and homosexual couples. A number of variables can contribute to changes in frequency, including health problems, pregnancy and childbirth, job stress, and habituation (or reduced novelty). Aging also plays a role, although—and this is true for most other variables—individual differences in its effects on sexual desire and response are substantial. In addition, when considering the frequency of sex, it is important to recognize that sex can be defined in various ways. Some men and women do not consider oral-genital contact or anal intercourse to be sex even when they report engaging in these behaviors. And for many couples, although the frequency of sexual intercourse may decline, other forms of sexual or physical intimacy (including kissing and genital touch) may not change or may even increase over time. The relationship between frequency of sexual activity and sexual satisfaction is, for these and other reasons, complex. Although higher sexual frequencies tend to be associated with higher sexual satisfaction, frequency of sexual contact does not fully explain overall levels of sexual satisfaction. In addition to frequency, satisfaction depends on the quality of sex, but this variable is not as easy to define and measure and may include a role for other aspects of the relationship, including the experience of emotional intimacy.

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