Self-Regulation in Relationships

Understanding Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is related to familiar concepts such as self-control and self-discipline. It makes behavior considerably more flexible because one does not have to act on just one's first impulse. Current speculations are that self-regulation evolved to facilitate two important patterns of behavior. First, it permitted improvements in social life because individual animals were able to alter their behavior to the demands and opportunities of the group. Second, it enabled humans to resist temptations in the immediate present so as to pursue delayed but ultimately beneficial outcomes. Clearly, both of these patterns of behavior can be useful for improving relationships. Changing one's behavior to meet the requirements of others is highly useful for a long-term relationship or marriage. For example, people may seek to live up to the expectations of others or learn to suppress some of their impulses in order to abide by agreements and commitments that are useful for getting along with one's partner.

By the same token, resisting immediate temptations for the sake of long-term benefits is crucial to the success of long-term relationships. One may, for example, hold one's tongue rather than giving in to the impulse to say something hurtful. Indeed, relationships may benefit from regulating behavior that is not directed at the partner. Many marriages have suffered conflict and stress over money, for example, and if one person spends money impulsively, both of them may later have to deal with debt or the inability to afford important things.

Self-regulation can involve both states and traits. The trait aspect is reflected in stable, consistent patterns of self-control. For example, some people generally behave in a more controlled, disciplined, consistent manner, while others behave in a more spontaneous, impulsive, uncontrolled manner. State fluctuations in self-control can involve various factors, but one central issue is that each person's [Page 1435]willpower appears to be limited and so when it is expended on one act of self-regulation, afterward there may be less available to use for other challenges. This so-called state of ego depletion refers to the condition in which the person's willpower is temporarily reduced, usually because the person has expended it recently on other acts. Self-control may also fluctuate with changes in emotional, mood, and motivational states. Alcohol intoxication is a particularly important state that often contributes to relationship problems, and one way that alcohol causes problems is that it impairs self-regulation. Such times present a risk for behavior that could be harmful to relationships.

In particular, modern life often sees relationship partners engaged in careers and coping with many stressors. They may come home exhausted and depleted from these. Research indicates that self-regulation tends to deteriorate as the day wears on, as people use up their resources that they built up from a good night's sleep. If their time together occurs mainly in the evenings when both have depleted their capacity for self-regulation, they may treat each other in less than optimal ways. Some marital therapists advise struggling couples to save energy for each other rather than putting it all into work and other separate challenges.

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