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Secrets

What counts as a secret is sometimes contested. An adolescent who keeps information from a father might consider that information to be private, but the father might accuse the adolescent of keeping a secret. Despite such disagreements, secrets are defined in this entry as information that one person purposefully keeps from another person.

People often keep secrets in close relationships. Almost everyone keeps at least one secret from somebody in his or her family, and in one study, roughly 40 percent of college students admitted keeping aspects of their dating history from their current boyfriend or girlfriend. Given the prevalence of secrets in relationships, it is important to understand them. This entry summarizes some common assumptions about secrets, people's reasons for keeping secrets, and the consequences of secret keeping in relationships.

Common Assumptions

People often assume that secrets are inherently shameful. The phrase “keeping secrets” connotes something negative. However, not all secrets are negative: A person planning a surprise birthday party keeps secrets. Moreover, keeping secrets often involves following conventions; for instance, most people would find it unseemly if colleagues divulged details about their family finances.

It is also commonly assumed that secrets represent failures to disclose. In North American culture, people value openness, and keeping secrets seems inconsistent with that value. However (as discussed below), people often have many apparently sound reasons for keeping secrets. Thus, keeping a secret is more of a purposeful choice than a failure. Moreover, some research suggests that people can be very committed to the ideal of open communication but not see keeping secrets as impediments to that ideal; for instance, some people want to be able to feel like they could talk about anything with their relational partners, but in reality they keep secrets from them.

Another assumption is that secrets are always deceptive. Certainly, one can lie to keep a secret. However, people also keep secrets by other means, such as simply not bringing up a topic that might be related to the secret. Sometimes the level of deception is so low that others are aware that somebody is keeping information secret. Many people who ask about someone's honeymoon, for example, will be happy to hear about the travel without pressing for the omitted details.

Why People Keep Secrets

There probably are an infinite number of specific reasons for keeping secrets, depending on the particular secret and circumstances. Nevertheless, there are some broad themes that are widely relevant to people's decisions to keep secrets. Perhaps the most commonly cited reason for keeping a secret is that people are concerned about what others might think. If the secret is something that is often stigmatized (e.g., sexual abuse, having HIV), secret keepers may worry about being judged negatively. They also might believe that whomever they tell will subsequently tell other people, a result which would further complicate their desire to manage how others see them.

There are also various relationship-oriented reasons for keeping secrets. Sometimes people believe that divulging a secret will lead to conflict. Other times, people believe they must keep a secret to preserve their relationship; for example, some college students have reported hiding the extent of their sexual history because they fear their current partner would not want to stay with them if they knew everything.

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