Rules of Relationships

Defining Relationships and Rules

Defining relationships is difficult because of the complexity of the concept. Nonetheless, a reasonable definition is that a relationship is a series of communicative interactions over time between two individuals who agree that those interactions constitute a relationship and who jointly believe that there will be interactions in the future.

The contention that relationships and rules go hand in hand can be traced back to Aristotle. A more recent expert on rules and relationships, Susan B. Shimanoff, defines a rule as a followable prescription that designates what behaviors are prohibited, obligated, or preferred in what contexts and in what type(s) of relationship(s).

Much of the literature on rules pertains to verbal and nonverbal interpersonal communication behaviors such as being polite. Interpersonal communication, unlike behaviors without communicator intent, refers to the management of meaning between relational partners, including what the rules are and what they mean, what the partners' relationship means, and how their relationship and the rules that regulate it are connected.

Contending that a rule is followable minimally means that an individual must be aware of the rule and have the linguistic and behavioral skills to follow it. For example, a guest who is unaware of a family rule of not discussing politics at dinner would be excused for breaking the rule because she or he was not aware of it. Additionally, there is no rule that people traveling abroad on vacation must talk to others in their native language because such a rule would be, for most, not followable.

Defining a rule as prescriptive means that a person should follow the rules of a particular relationship and be willing to suffer the consequences if he or she does not. For example, if a person breaks the friendship rule that one should thank a friend for a significant favor, then that person should not be surprised if the friend is less willing to perform the favor the next time around.

Describing a rule as contextual means that the situation needs to be considered when applying the rule. For instance, romantic partners may have a rule specifying that either one should immediately speak up if the other says or does something the partner finds offensive. However, the situation within which something offensive is said (e.g., a public context as opposed to a private one) would influence how the rule is applied. Contextual considerations also encompass situational factors such as type of relationship (e.g., family vs. friends), the formality of the situation (e.g., the bedroom vs. the boardroom), and the cultural and/or geographical context.

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