Repairing Relationships

Naturally Occurring and Informal Approaches to Relationship Repair

Most of the time, partners attempt to resolve their problems by themselves. Resolving differences is a normal part of interdependent relationships. Problems arise and, to restore harmony, partners must put the problem behind them in some way. Among the most influential of the various models for describing these maintenance strategies is Caryl Rusbult's model of accommodation. Rusbult proposes four behavioral strategies: voice (active, constructive attempts to discuss and improve the situation), loyalty (optimistically but passively waiting for the situation to improve), neglect (avoiding the partner and the problem), and exit (behaving in an actively destructive manner, such as threatening to end the relationship). Much research has shown that relationships benefit from the use of voice, whereas they are harmed by neglect and exit. Evidence about the impact of loyalty is more equivocal, sometimes showing relationship benefits, whereas other times showing little or no effect.

When a relationship problem is ongoing—for example, a habitual pattern of damaging conflict, substantial disagreements about core issues (e.g., money, parenting practices), or an extramarital affair—a more focused attempt to resolve the problem and repair damage to the relationship is needed. Although outside professional help is sometimes sought for such problems, it seems probable that all couples first try to resolve their issues on their own, and many do so repeatedly and successfully. One study showed that about two thirds of couples whose difficulties were sufficient to warrant professional intervention did not seek such help, and another study showed that couples may delay seeking outside help for as long as 5 years after a problem surfaces. Some, of course, end their relationships without trying professional help.

Unfortunately, there is little systematic, methodologically solid evidence as to whether couples' efforts at self-repair are likely to be successful, particularly once problems are entrenched. Marital researchers commonly assume that spontaneous remission of serious marital problems is rare, but this assumption has not been adequately tested nor does it take into account the nature of the coping strategies that couples use to attempt to solve their problems. One of the more optimistic accounts comes from the multiwave longitudinal National Survey of Families and Households, which showed that 62 percent of unhappily married couples who stayed together reported being happily married 5 years later. This figure implies that 38 percent remained unhappily married, and it remains to be discovered what processes can distinguish these two groups. As for spontaneous remission in non-marital couples (e.g., cohabitors), little is known. Presumably because the institutional and psychological barriers to separation and divorce tend to be weaker in nonmarital couples, enduring problems would be more likely to result in termination.

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