Obsessive Love

Models of romantic love postulate sets of distinct qualities, such as (a) passion, intimacy, and commitment; (b) attachment, caregiving, and sexuality; (c) passionate and companionate love; and (d) caring and needing. These qualities can occur in various combinations and differing levels of intensity during a relationship. Obsessive love is a unique type of romantic love characterized by a dominant cognitive pattern of recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images about being with another person in a romantic or sexual relationship. Obsessive love may overlap with other attachment systems (e.g., maternal attachment) and love in other contexts (e.g., familial love; friendship love), but this entry is limited to obsessive love as a type of romantic love.

Obsessive love can occur during different phases of a romantic relationship. It may exist before any interaction and be the precursor to a developing relationship that results in more complete love (e.g., intimacy and commitment). It may be a component of romantic love that is complemented by other attributes (e.g., intimacy). Obsessive love may also be a consequence of a terminated romantic relationship where, in the absence of further interaction and other attributes (e.g., commitment), the cognitive obsession for the love object persists.

The cognitive components of obsessive love would both contribute to and be a result of motivational systems (e.g., attachment, mate selection) and biological systems (e.g., sexual arousal) that have interpersonal, intrapsychic, and biological origins. These systems can fuel the obsessive cognitions and result in emotions that are intense, enduring, and seemingly uncontrollable. Thus, [Page 1175]obsessive love, much like other forms of romantic love, is accompanied by a motivation to approach a potential partner to fulfill needs for affiliation, closeness, intimacy, attachment, and sex; however, unlike other forms of love, obsessive love is marked by unequal commitment, lack of reciprocation, and repulsed approaches. Obsessive love is similar to infatuation, lust, a “crush,” and limerence, all of which are viewed as an involuntary and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person.

Obsessive love may also be perceived by the individual as being dystonic because it leads to distress and anxiety. Obsessive love has some characteristics in common with the perspective that views love as an addiction. The dystonic qualities of addictive love are viewed as tied to psychological inadequacies and interpersonal incompetencies of the individual because the obsession may be a means of shifting attention away from the self and toward an external object.

The most substantial feature of obsessive love is persistent and recurring thoughts, impulses, and images coupled with cognitive distortions. These cognitive distortions are characterized by an intense need to be with the love object, biased interpretation of the love object's actions, and the belief that this person alone can fulfill romantic desires. In addition to idealization and incorrect or inappropriate interpretations of the love object's intentions, the lack of commitment by the love object runs the risk of producing consternation when love is unreciprocated or rejected. Active attempts to suppress the predominant cognitions may only increase their frequency and prolong their duration. Thus, these ruminations tend to increase interest in the love object and to reinforce the importance of the love object for obtaining a satisfying relationship, while diminishing the self if that love is unrequited.

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