Motivation and Relationships

Where Does the Motivation for Human Relationships Come From?

The human desire and need for connection has deep evolutionary roots and is present from the moment of birth. John Bowlby proposed that infants are born with an innate system called the “attachment behavioral system” that motivates them to seek proximity to caregivers in times of need. This system protects human beings of all ages from threats, but is most directly and transparently observable during infancy. A key idea from Bowlby's theory is that infants use their care-givers as a secure base: Only when infants are confident and secure that their caregivers will be there for them in times of threat or need can they act on their motivation to explore and learn about the world. The desire to form and maintain social bonds has both survival and reproductive benefits. Groups can share food, provide mates, and help care for offspring. Cues that indicate possible harm, such as illness, danger, nightfall, and disaster, seem to increase the need to be with others, underscoring the protective value of group membership. In the human evolutionary past, people who formed attachments were more likely to reproduce than were those who failed to form them, and long-term relationships increased the chances that offspring would reach maturity and reproduce in turn.

Other important influences on the human need for connection are not rooted in evolution. For example, sociocultural norms dictate that “normal” people ultimately settle down with a partner and have children, whereas single or childless people are seen as abnormal. People internalize these pressures, likely influencing their desire to find lifelong partners and raise families. There are also proximal factors based on an individual's current social and cultural environment that influence the motivation to form relationships with romantic partners or friends. For example, a teenage boy who just moved to a new town may befriend the first boy whom he meets to cope with his sense of loneliness, but a popular girl in the same school may be choosier about the types of friends whom she lets into her inner circle as her affiliation needs have already been met.

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