Minding the Relationship

Minding the relationship refers to a theory of relationship maintenance and satisfaction. The name of the theory, “minding,” emphasizes that relationship satisfaction is primarily a matter of how partners think about a relationship; happiness in a relationship is created in the minds of the partners. The theory suggests that relationship satisfaction may be sustained over long periods through positive habits of cognition and communication between partners. Minding Theory incorporates five basic recommendations: self-disclosure, respect, positive attributions, reciprocity, and continuity. This entry discusses the Minding Theory and its five basic recommendations.

Self-disclosure refers to sharing personal information about oneself with a partner. It is central to Minding Theory that satisfied partners, over time, will gradually disclose more intimate information to each other. One effect of this disclosure between partners is to promote a deeper knowledge of each other's past experiences and current emotions. Another purpose of disclosure is to increase trust between partners, assuming that when disclosure becomes more intimate, partners treat new revelations respectfully. Finally, continuing disclosure allows partners to grow together over time through the continued sharing of new insights, desires, and experiences.

Also central to Minding Theory is the principle of respect and acceptance. In a satisfying relationship, as disclosure increases, partners will be able to respect what they learn about each other. When new information is revealed about a partner, Minding Theory recommends that even if this information is negative, a sense of respect for the other should be retained. Ideally, the information is incorporated into the partner's existing beliefs about the relationship without damaging the overall positive nature of these beliefs. Some discoveries may be too negative for one partner to continue holding onto these positive attitudes, for example, a disclosure of long-term infidelity or dishonesty. Because Minding Theory predicts that relationships are based on how partners think about each other, information that severely damages the positive mindset about a partner should also endanger relationship satisfaction and long-term stability.

The third principle of minding is that partners in a stable and satisfying relationship will tend to make positive attributions or explanations for each other's behaviors. The theory recommends that partners generally explain each others' actions in a positive way. For example, if Sam is late to a dinner date, Chris may initially assume outside factors must be involved rather than immediately blaming Sam for thoughtlessness. The tendency to positive attributions may be especially important when a partner's actions may be ambiguous or awkward, such as giving a well-meant but badly chosen gift or making a clumsy gesture of affection. A minding partner will perceive and acknowledge the good intention. A simpler way of putting this is to say that partners should give each other the benefit of the doubt. It is important in minding to respect information about a partner and to attribute positive motives to the partner's behaviors.

The first three principles of Minding Theory, as discussed, describe ways of developing a particular way of thinking about a partner. During disclosure, partners develop a positive view of each other. Respect encourages partners to maintain this positivity when learning new information about each other. This constructive view of a partner makes it easier to create positive attributions for his or her behavior. The final two Minding Theory principles, reciprocity and continuity, are about the practical nature of maintaining a satisfying relationship.

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