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Memories and Relationships

People tend to have detailed and vivid memories of their relationships, outlining how their relationships have changed and developed over time. These memories form the basis for the relationship stories people present to others, and they provide the framework people use to reflect upon their relationships. This entry discusses how memories influence current feelings, accuracy in relationship memory, how current feelings influence recollections, how memories can predict future outcomes, and how people recall their relationships changing over time.

Accuracy in Relationship Memory

Research on relationship memory demonstrates that like memories in general, memories for relationships are not fully accurate records of past events. Although relationship memories have some degree of accuracy, these memories become degraded over time, essentially missing some of the specific details. Consequently, people use information that is accessible in the present when trying to fill in the gaps in their memory. This is shown in existing research in at least three ways. First, to the extent that people are currently committed to their relationships, they are motivated to preserve their sense of relational security and consequently fill in the gaps in their memory with details that maintain their faith in their relationship. Second, people use their current sentiments and knowledge about the relationship to help them interpret their pasts. Third, people use their current beliefs about how relationships change to help them understand how their own relationship has changed over time. Although these processes tend to bias relationship memories, these biases, are informative, illuminating how people feel about their relationship at the present time and the likely future of that relationship.

These biasing effects have led some researchers to argue that researchers should be cautious in how they interpret self-reports of change or reports of past relationship events. However, people can enhance the accuracy of relationship memories by asking partners to recall past events together. Collaborative memories, memories constructed when two people work together to recall past information, tend to contain more accurate details and fewer errors than the memories recalled by individuals. When working together on recalling a past event, partners can cue each other's recall and even correct one another's errors in recalled details. For example, imagine a couple telling the story about their first date. One partner's recollection that they met at the roller coaster might remind the other partner to add the detail about how long the line was. Alternatively, one partner might recall they meet at the roller coaster while the other partner is convinced they met at the water slide. In such instances, partners might be able to correct each other's recollections. Importantly, the process of working together to recall past events can reveal certain relationship dynamics such as respect, shared emotions, and dominance. For example, unequal levels of dominance among partners would be revealed if one partner always conceded when the partners disagreed on the details of a past event.

Memories Influence Today

Relationship memories surface frequently. Relationship researchers aren't the only ones who ask people about their relationship memories. Friends and family members routinely seek information about the course and development of relationships (e.g., “How did you two meet?”). Relationship memories can even be elicited by a partner's current behavior.

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