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In-Laws, Relationships With

When one marries, the new partner becomes an “in-law” to all family members related to his or her spouse. The marriage ceremony creates a family out of relative strangers. No other family relationship has generated so much negative attention. The first mother-in-law joke was recorded in Roman times. In-law relationships, especially those related to the mother-in-law, have led to the creation of “mother-in-law” languages and taboos. Many entering the in-law domain still do so with negative expectations and anxiety about these new family relationships. This entry explores the nature of in-law relationships, their psychological dynamics, and research findings.

Nature of In-Law Relationships

The term in-laws often conjures images of an intergenerational family represented by mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law, fathers-in-law, and sons-in-law. Most commonly, one thinks of the mother-in-law-daughter-in-law or son-in-law relationship when reflecting on in-laws. However, the in-law network also extends to fathers, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

Changes in family life, such as divorce and remarriage, have increased the convolution of these connections. For example, divorce and remarriage increase the number of mothers-in-law or fathers-in-law in a marriage network. The wife of a man whose parents have both divorced and remarried might have two or more mothers-in-law. A remarried woman with children likely retains her relationship with her previous mother-in-law, for a potential total of three or more mothers-in-law.

Although expectations are common, especially ones that suggest intrusiveness and negativity, there are few established norms for in-law roles. The extended family models once prevalent in an agrarian society have vanished in a more mobile, egalitarian society. Women in the workforce, geographic separation, and later ages at marriage have increased the complexity of in-law relations. The increasing independence and cultural diversity of marriage partners leads them to establish isolated nuclear families with fewer face-to-face connections with the extended family network.

Psychological Dimensions

In-law relationships are perhaps the most complicated in the family system. This relationship is a secondary rather than a primary relationship created through the choice of one family member. Due to their intergenerational nature, in-law relations are influenced by differences in developmental stages and generational differences.

In-law relationships are transformed across time by others in the family network. For example, the openness and vulnerability of a daughter-in-law's relationship with her mother-in-law is often related to the nature of her relationship with her own mother. On the one hand, if she has a close tie with her own mother, she might view a mother-in-law who is different or expresses different values from her own mother as not fitting within her family, despite the fact that she is her husband's mother. On the other hand, a daughter-in-law who has a distant, formal relationship with her mother may appreciate her mother-in-law's hugs and expressions of affection as providing a sense of connection she has missed with her own mother. How the husband describes and expresses his feelings about his mother, both pre- and postmarriage, can influence his wife's perception of her mother-in-law. The birth of a child/grandchild also changes the dynamics because the two women now have a mutual focus they can celebrate together.

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