Hurt Feelings

Conceptualizing Hurt Feelings

People know what it feels like to have their feelings hurt, but what are hurt feelings? Depending on the behavior eliciting them, hurt feelings can be either short-term or long-term. Short-term hurt feelings, resulting from behaviors such as negative comments, inattentiveness, or interpersonal conflict, make the person who is hurt feel bad but are unlikely to have lasting effects on a relationship unless the slights are repeated. Long-term hurt feelings, on the other hand, such as those resulting from infidelity or a related type of betrayal, make the target feel bad and have more negative effects on relationships than do short-term hurt feelings, in some instances leading to the dissolution of those relationships.

Conceptually, hurt feelings seem similar to a number of other types of emotions and, indeed, are often accompanied by other emotions, such as anger, guilt, fear, anxiety, and sadness. However, the appraisals that produce these other emotions differ from those that produce hurt feelings. Furthermore, when participants are asked to write about the experience of having their feelings hurt, they have no trouble distinguishing hurt feelings from other emotional states.

The defining feature of hurt feelings is perceived relational devaluation, the perception that other people do not value their relationship with the target as much as they once did or as much as the target would like them to. A critical comment, for example, suggests that the person making the remark does not view the target as favorably as he or she once did. Similarly, partners who are unfaithful send a clear message that they do not value their relationship with the target as much as they once did. Researchers have found that the amount of hurt people report experiencing varies directly with the degree to which they feel relationally devalued.

Not surprisingly, then, people's feelings are hurt most often by those closest to them. In an adaptation of the old adage that “we only hurt the ones we love,” researchers have found that hurt feelings are perpetrated most often by close friends and romantic partners. Rarely is a stranger the source of hurt feelings. On those rare occasions when our feelings are hurt by strangers or acquaintances, the hurt stems from the fact that rejection by a stranger implies an immediate negative evaluation that signals a high degree of relational devaluation. In addition, at times, the closeness and familiarity of close relationships may help inoculate against the sting of hurt feelings. A tendency to give the benefit of the doubt may be present in close, satisfying relationships, which attenuates the sort of malicious [Page 821]attributions that might otherwise trigger perceptions of relational devaluation.

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