Forgiveness

Forgiveness Distinguished from Related Constructs

The reference to effort by the forgiver embodied in the definition of forgiveness just outlined distinguishes forgiveness from related constructs such as forgetting (passive removal of the offense from consciousness; to forgive is more than not thinking about the offense), condoning (no longer viewing the act as a wrong and thereby removing need for forgiveness), and pardon (which can be granted only by a representative of society, such as a judge). Thus, the common phrase, “forgive and forget,” is misleading, as forgiveness is only possible in the face of a remembered wrong.

In the relationship context, forgiveness needs to be distinguished from reconciliation. Although an inherently interpersonal construct, forgiveness occurs primarily within the individual. Interpersonal events, such as expressions of remorse by the wrongdoer, influence forgiveness, but the motivational change it embodies occurs largely within the individual. Reconciliation, in contrast, restores a relationship between persons and is a dyadic process that requires appropriate participation by both parties: It involves the restoration of violated trust and requires the goodwill of both partners. Forgiveness increases the likelihood of reconciliation but is not synonymous with it. There is no contradiction involved in forgiving a wrongdoer and ending one's relationship with the person. Reconciliation can occur without forgiveness, further emphasizing the need to distinguish between them.

Forgiveness also needs to be distinguished from accommodation. Accommodation involves responding to potentially destructive partner behavior by inhibiting the natural tendency to react in kind and instead reacting in a constructive manner. Potentially destructive partner behavior may take many forms but only when it represents a wrong is forgiveness relevant. Wrongs give rise to moral anger, a form of anger that occurs when a moral principle (an ought) is abrogated. In addition, accommodation might occur because potentially destructive partner behavior is construed in such a way that its destructive nature is ignored, overlooked, or downplayed or, when fully recognized, is condoned or excused. Under these circumstances, forgiveness is not a relevant concern. Although under certain conditions accommodation and forgiveness overlap, [Page 696]accommodation is a much broader construct than forgiveness.

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