Fatal Attraction

Fatal attraction refers to a relationship process in which a quality that an individual comes to dislike in an intimate partner closely relates to one that was attractive and initially appealing. The disliked quality often appears as an exaggerated form of the originally attractive characteristic. This phenomenon is termed fatal, not because it is “deadly” to the involved individuals nor necessarily deadly to the relationship itself. Rather, it foretells a sequence in which the initial attraction unlocks an inevitable progression that ends in disenchantment with a partner. The quality that was initially considered attractive becomes undesirable. Fatal attractions are relatively common in intimate encounters, occurring in between 29 and 67 percent of intimate relationships, depending on the sample and research design. This entry provides common illustrations of fatal attractions, provides a social exchange perspective to fatal attraction, and discusses potential ramifications for relationship dissolution.

Following are illustrations of several common types of fatal attractions that have been documented in empirical studies. In this research, individuals report the qualities about a partner that initially attracted them and then later describe the qualities that they now dislike about that same person.

• Nice to Fake: Some people report being attracted to their partners because they viewed them as nice, caring, and sensitive. In fatal attractions of this type, they subsequently report that their partners now are overly nice or even fake. In such cases, it appears that seemingly nice, sensitive, soft-spoken, and caring partners are later viewed as having traits that are the consequence of being too nice.
• Confident to Cocky: Another common fatal attraction occurs when individuals are attracted to confidence and intelligence in another person, but then report that they now dislike their partner's egotistical, or overly confident, nature. In such cases, it seems that they reinterpret their spouse or partner's desirable qualities in a negative manner. Originally, the loved one is seen as exuding confidence, but later that same person is viewed as displaying an ego.
• Fun to Foolish: Another type of fatal attraction involves qualities related to fun or humor. Individuals report that their partner's sense of humor initially attracted them, for example, but now complain that he or she jokes excessively or fails to take other people's feelings seriously. Having a particularly good sense of humor is both the source of attraction as well as the eventual source of friction in these kinds of relationship.
• Sexy to Slut: Fatal attractions also occur with regard to the trait of sexiness. In such instances, respondents report an attraction to the many physical qualities, or sexiness, of their partner. Yet when asked what they now least like about their partner, these same individuals complain that their relationship is based too much on physical aspects and in some cases, even refer to their partner in derogatory terms (e.g., “slut”). The positive trait of sexiness, in other words, appears to be interpreted as overly sexy and lustful at a later time.

One of the main theoretical traditions within the relationship field, social exchange theory, can help explain this process of fatal attraction. According to the perspective of social exchange, individuals attempt to maximize the outcomes they gain from their intimate encounters, and satisfying relationships are apt to be those in which the perceived rewards greatly exceed the costs. Disenchantment with a partner's characteristics is likely when the costs associated with those qualities exceed the inherent rewards. For example, a committed relationship with a mate who is appealing because of his or her drive, motivation, and success at work is likely to have rewarding aspects, such as the possible prestige and money the person can bring to the couple, as well as the potential for stimulating conversations. Yet if the mate's ambitions interfere with a couple's time spent together, and intrude on their emotional and physical intimacy, disenchantment is likely because the relationship becomes high in costs. More generally, individuals are apt to be drawn to the noticeable strengths of another person, and those strengths are often closely related to a person's weaknesses and therefore entail relationship costs.

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