Disillusionment in Marriage

Theory on Disillusionment in Marriage

An important characteristic of courtship is the process of idealization. According to Willard Waller, partners see each other fairly realistically at the beginning of a dating relationship. As the relationship develops and partners' feelings for each other become deeper, however, dating partners increasingly feel a strong sense of enchantment and wish to display only some of their personality characteristics in order to live up to the images they believe the other partner may have of them. They also tend to focus on what they perceive to be their partner's virtues. As a result, they have mostly positive interactions with and develop favorable impressions of their partners' personality. Although dating partners are not necessarily unaware of each other's shortcomings, they often fail to realize what effect their partners' shortcomings may have in the future; rather, they focus their attention on the positive side of their partner and the good qualities of their courtship. Once partners are married, however, and interdependence increases, spouses begin to engage less in impression management and generally become more aware of each other's true personality and character. Evidence of the partner's shortcomings inevitably begin to emerge. This lack of congruence between people's perceptions of their partner and the evidence of their partner's behavior is experienced [Page 431]as threatening because it has the potential to undermine people's belief that their partner truly is the right person for them. Moreover, spouses' views of each other usually change and become less positive, setting them up for disillusionment.

Research on Disillusionment in Marriage

Research shows that disillusionment during the early years of marriage is of prognostic importance for later divorce. Two studies in particular demonstrate the significance of disappointment and disillusionment in marriage for subsequent divorce. Kim Buehlman and colleagues studied 52 married couples over a period of 3 years using an oral history interview as well as observational and physiological measures to predict marital stability. They found that spouses', especially husbands', disappointment in their marriage, as captured in the expression of depression, hopelessness, and defeat, was the single most powerful predictor of divorce 3 years later.

Ted Huston and his colleagues examined disillusionment early in marriage and its effect on marital stability. They found that disillusionment during the first 2 years of marriage, as reflected in (a) loss of love, (b) declines in affection, (c) decreases in one's perception of the partner as a responsive person, and (d) increases in feelings of ambivalence about the relationship, distinguished couples headed for divorce from those who stayed married.

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