Dependence

Relationship Dependence versus Other Relationship Characteristics

People strive for gratifying and lasting human relationships. Whether relationships are satisfying and enduring rests on how individuals see their relationship and particularly on the standards of comparison they adopt.

When it comes to gauging whether a relationship is satisfying, it is common to compare the current relationship with past ones, relationships of close others, or any relationships that are salient in shaping one's ideas of what one might expect in a relationship. In short, one indirectly or directly considers what one deserves, which is referred to as one's comparison level. A relationship that meets or exceeds expectations is satisfying; one that falls short of expectations is dissatisfying. Moreover, the same relationship may go through different phases, with changes and shifts over time in satisfaction. For example, as two individuals begin dating, they may feel happy with the way things are going. One individual may reflect on the fact that his or her partner is more kind, witty, and trustworthy than others he or she has dated; the other may appreciate having a partner who is more thoughtful and physically attractive than what might have been expected. Alternatively, each may acknowledge feeling satisfied without giving much thought as to why. As their commitment deepens and they grow increasingly accustomed to each other, their feelings may ebb and flow. At times, minor personal idiosyncrasies may become annoyances, and the lack of novelty may trigger some boredom; at other times, knowing that each puts the other first and trusts the other to do the same brings about peace of mind and feelings of fulfillment.

In contrast to judging whether a relationship is satisfying, when it comes to gauging how much one needs a relationship (i.e., how dependent one is), individuals more often consider how the current relationship compares against the situation they would likely be in if they were not in the current relationship—either being in an alternate relationship or being alone. The alternative situation used in comparison has been referred to as the comparison level for alternatives. A person is likely to leave the current relationship (or change the current state of the relationship) if it is anticipated that an alternative arrangement would yield higher well-being in the long run—that is, higher outcomes over time than obtained in the current relationship.

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