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Conflict Prevalence and Sources

People often gravitate toward relationship partners who hold attitudes and values similar to their own. Yet, though partners are similar, they are not identical. By their very nature, relationships consist of two people who each bring a unique set of goals, needs, and preferences to the table. As a result, situations are likely to arise in which both partners cannot simultaneously have what they want, leading to disagreements even within happy and established relationships. For this reason, choosing a mate has been likened to choosing the particular set of problems that one is willing to contend with in the years to come. Recognizing the inevitable presence of conflict in relationships, relationship scientists have sought to determine just how prevalent conflict is within intimate relationships and to determine the factors that may exacerbate conflict between partners. The purpose of this entry is to highlight common precursors of relationship conflict.

Frequency and Topics of Relationship Conflict

To examine the frequency of conflict within relationships, researchers have generally asked couples about the kinds of interactions they have with their partners each day. This research indicates that many of the important interactions that couples report are, in fact, arguments. Interestingly, this research also suggests that particular times of day and locations may foster disputes between partners. Arguments are more likely to occur in the kitchen than any other location and are most likely to occur on weekdays. In fact, the early evening weekday hours, when partners are transitioning from work to their roles at home, seem to be a particularly turbulent period for couples. Moreover, the frequency of arguments tends to be linked to partners' overall relationship satisfaction. Unhappy couples report twice as many unpleasant interactions as do happy couples (approximately four versus two over a 2-week period), even though unhappy couples actually spend less time together on a daily basis. Not surprisingly, then, difficulty communicating and resolving conflict is the primary reason couples seek relationship counseling.

So what do couples argue about? Although one might expect the topics of disagreement to be as varied as the people in the relationships, researchers have found remarkable commonalities across couples in the types of incidents that trigger arguments. One study examining heterosexual, gay, and lesbian couples revealed that all three types of couples report their most common topics of disagreement as falling into the areas of power (e.g., decisions regarding money and division of labor) and intimacy (e.g., affection and sex). Further research shows similar findings. In several studies, couples were presented with a list of possible sources of relationship problems (e.g., religion, children) and asked to select which topics represented sources of difficulty in their relationship. The topics most frequently identified by couples as sources of relationship conflict were money, communication, and sex. Moreover, these issues have been cited as problematic by couples in different relationship stages (i.e., premarriage, newly married, and later marriage), suggesting that the sources of relationship conflict remain fairly consistent over the course of a relationship.

Why Do Couples Argue? Incompatible Goals and Misperceived Intentions

Why are some topics particularly difficult for couples to navigate? Some theories suggest that conflict is the result of incompatible goals between partners. According to this view, conflict arises when one person pursues his or her goals in a way that interferes with the other person's goals. For instance, conflicts regarding money may begin if one partner believes it important to save money for the future, while the other partner prefers to splurge on desired items in the present. Unless partners are able to strike a compromise between their differing goals, conflict is likely to escalate and lead to feelings of relationship dissatisfaction. The process of negotiating differing goals, however, is complicated by the fact that partners sometimes find it difficult to express their needs and perspectives effectively. Research examining the communications of both happy and unhappy couples suggests that while most individuals have positive intentions when expressing themselves to their partner, they are frequently unsuccessful in translating those thoughts and feelings into a positive behavioral expression. In fact, positive messages seem to be more difficult than negative messages to convey effectively. Moreover, even a well-sent positive message might not be perceived as such by the receiving partner. Further studies have compared spouses' ratings of their partners' communications with the ratings made by trained independent observers. Among happy couples, spouses tended to rate their partners' statements as more positive than did independent observers. Conversely, among unhappy couples, spouses rated their partners' statements as more negative than did the outside raters. In particular, unhappy spouses often perceived neutral statements (as rated by independent observers) as negative. Thus, disagreements arise not simply because of differing goals but because the process of discussing those goals with a partner can create a situation of ineffective communications and misperceived intentions.

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