Betrayal

Conceptualizing Betrayal

Although many people equate betrayal with instances of marital infidelity, betrayal is a much broader term that includes lying, criticism, broken promises, intentional embarrassment, humiliation, belittlement, and gossip. Any aversive event that involves violations of expectations, trust, and commitment can be considered a betrayal. As this list of exemplars of betrayal implies, betrayals lie along a continuum of severity from minor infractions (e.g., telling a little white lie) to more severe breaches of trust (e.g., cheating on one's spouse). Even minor betrayals, such as a white lie or a forgotten birthday, when repeated over time can produce significant damage in a relationship.

Betrayals can be accidental or intentional. With accidental betrayals, the perpetrator unintentionally violates the rules of a relationship without meaning to do so; for example, he or she may disclose a secret, not realizing that the target of the secret did not mean the secret to be shared. Intentional betrayals include a myriad of different types of behaviors. Some intentional betrayals are premeditated and involve actions that are designed explicitly to betray (e.g., for revenge). Another class of intentional betrayals involves actions that are perpetrated for other reasons (e.g., people have affairs because they fall in love with someone other than their spouse). In this case, the betrayal is a side effect of, rather than the objective of, the behavior. Yet another class of intentional betrayal, opportunistic betrayals, occurs without planning and thus, does not always involve a reward-cost analysis.

Regardless of the specific type of betrayal, all forms of betrayal result in loss: loss of trust; loss of a relationship or friendship; loss of a sense of security and predictability, loss of time, energy, and effort devoted to that relationship or friendship; loss of integrity; and loss of self-esteem. Ultimately, all forms of betrayal signify rejection and relational devaluation. People who are betrayed feel that the betrayer does not value his or her relationship with them as much as he or she once did. Victims feel, often correctly, that the betrayer has put his or her own needs or desires above their own. Given the potency of the need to belong, the strength of aversive reactions to the rejection and devaluation inherent in betrayal is not surprising.

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