Beliefs about Relationships

Beliefs about relationships are an important guide and organizing principle for social lives. They are mental schemas, like images, representations, or scripts that are usually in unconscious thoughts. They influence what people expect from certain types of relationships in subtle ways. For example, relationship beliefs help people organize their relationships into types, such as “just friends” rather than “dating partners” based on sexual attraction and/or involvement. They also tell people how to act in relationships and what to expect from others in those relationships. For example, people expect that siblings may argue sometimes but be there to support each other in times of stress. People expect close friends to keep their secrets and to never speak badly about them behind their backs. People expect a store clerk to say, “Have a nice day” as a routine comment when they leave the store but would be surprised (and perhaps hurt) if a close friend uttered the same words at the end of a deeply personal conversation. In sum, relationship beliefs help people categorize their relationships, guide their behaviors, tell them what to expect from others, and even explain the emotions they sometimes have when their expectations are not met.

Of particular interest to scholars who study human relationships are the beliefs people hold about romantic relationships. These relationships are a special category of social relationships because, unlike family relationships, they are voluntary and self-selected. Also, unlike friendships, people tend to have just one, exclusive romantic relationship. In fact, the dating process is guided by assumptions regarding who would be an ideal mate if people plan to marry and whether the relationship people have measures up to the standards they hold for a romantic relationship. When a partner or a relationship does not measure up to the ideals people hold, they may change their expectations, change the relationship definition (e.g., let's just be friends), or terminate the relationship. If a dating relationship leads to marriage, scholars report that some relationship beliefs facilitate a stable and satisfying marriage, while other beliefs lead to problematic communication patterns and relational dissatisfaction.

The goal of this entry is to describe more specifically the relationship beliefs associated with romantic relationships, both dating relationships and marriage. This entry will present two approaches to romantic relationship beliefs and summarize the findings from research done in these areas. The first approach conceptualizes relationship beliefs as an ideology about the nature of romantic relationships in general—a sort of romantic ideal of true love. The second approach, which is influenced by the experiences of marriage [Page 161]counselors who work with distressed couples, focuses on relationship beliefs that are unrealistic and on dysfunctional expectations and standards for romantic relationships.