Advice, Self-Help, and Media Advice about Relationships

Given the value of relationships for personal happiness, the well-being of families, and the cohesion of groups and societies, it is perhaps not strange that various popular media such as television talk [Page 45]shows, fashion magazines, and self-help experts have made big business of telling people what is needed to reach relationship nirvana. Likewise, it is understandable that the public targeted by these media is hungry for information and opinion—for great power can be gained from information that truly facilitates relationship success. However, this can only be the case if self-help and media advice is based on valid evidence. This entry briefly explores the nature and quality of self-help advice available to consumers of mass media.

Although rigorous analysis of the content of self-help and media advice about relationships is lacking, much can be learned from anecdotally exploring the messages portrayed in prototypic media outlets. Indeed, a survey of television talk show and self-help-focused programming, popular magazines, and self-help literature reveal both some interesting common trends and distinct differences. It is clear that advice in popular media is dominated first by a focus on romantic relationships and second by child–parent relationships. For these reasons this entry focuses on these forms.

Most media advice regarding romantic relationships overestimates differences between men and women, with pervasive stereotypes of men as autonomous and withdrawing from intimacy and women as anxious and emotional. Although gender differences do occur and need to be considered, research has demonstrated that gender differences tend to be fairly small in comparison to differences attributable to the stage of the relationship (e.g., attraction, initiation, long-term), to interpersonal processes (e.g., communication and attribution styles), and to other individual traits (e.g., personality differences, emotional intelligence, beliefs and attitudes, attachment styles). Yet a common thread across much popular advice is the clear impression that men and women approach romantic relationships from extremely different viewpoints. The problem with this assumption is that, although there are gender differences in research that studies averages across groups of men or women, it is fallacious to give practical advice on this basis about how to relate to any one particular individual man or woman. Although there is some truth to stereotypes about men and women's relationship behaviors, the likelihood is great that any particular individual will differ substantially from the stereotype.

Titles of commonly found self-help literature such as How to Get a Guy by Thinking Like One, How to Talk to Women, and Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget emphasize the notion of differences between the sexes and leave the impression that there are correct ways to understand the different motives of men versus women. Furthermore, the image of a battle between the sexes is conjured up with titles such as 101 Lies Men Tell Women and 7 Things He'll Never Tell You. Media targeting men seem to perpetuate stereotypes of women as sex objects and gold-diggers who are needy and vulnerable, whereas media targeting women perpetuate stereotypes of men as sex-crazed, deceitful, and emotionally closed and immature. This notion that people are usually calculating and disingenuous in romantic relationships, especially men, seems particularly prevalent. Advice is often given on how to “beat” the opposite gender by preempting their motives. Some self-help literature goes as far as to propagate the idea that the only way to “stay ahead” in relationships is to learn how to read into what your partner really wants or to interpret what it means when he or she behaves a certain way. Even such potentially dangerous ideas as “women really mean yes when they say no” and women can “change their men” are sometimes embraced in self-help media. The pervasive stereotype in popular media is that men are not emotionally developed enough to deal forthrightly with relationships and hence need to be guided and coached by women. Relationship research however indicates that the practice of such misguided advice will most likely be problematic.

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