Condolences

When someone who is cared about suffers the loss of a loved one, it is appropriate to offer condolences, or expressions of sympathy. Though condolences may be delivered by way of conversation, it is the letter of condolence that has received more popular and scholarly attention. The letter of condolence dates back at least as far as 45 B.C.E., when Servius Sulpicius Rufus wrote to console Marcus Tullius Cicero upon the death of his daughter during childbirth.

Any communication regarding a devastating event has the potential to be upsetting. Therefore, though a letter of condolence should be honest and heartfelt, some degree of planning and foresight might be appropriate to help ensure that its actual impacts are the intended positive ones. Understanding the common features and foibles found in exemplary letters of condolence may improve the odds of creating and appreciating effective ones.

Common Features of the Letter of Condolence

An offering of condolence will generally include acknowledgment of the loss and grief of its target as well as an expression of empathy, sympathy, or both. It will often also provide an effort aimed at comforting the bereaved.

It is standard form to disclose one's emotions about the loss with statements such as, “I am so sorry” or “I share in grieving.” Moderation and brevity are valued in letters of a sensitive nature, especially when concerning the expression of emotion. It is likely that overwrought portrayals of hair-pulling anguish will not be comforting to the bereaved.

Statements asserting that the deceased was appreciated, lived a good and worthwhile life, and will be missed by others may be of great consolation to those in mourning. Therefore, consolers are well-advised to note admirable qualities and values of the deceased and to revisit special memories. Recognition of the void left by the loss of the person may be counterbalanced by determination to preserve the relationship with that person. The bereaved may be comforted to know that the deceased will be “kept alive” in the thoughts, values, and actions of others.

Those who offer condolences should be careful not to assume they are privy to the feelings of the grieving target. So, statements like “I'm sure you are devastated” or “You must be beside yourself” [Page 220]should be avoided. Moreover, the fine line between empathy and sympathy should be respected. One should only claim to know what the experience is like if one has already been subjected to it.

Comfort may be derived from nonspecific offers to help the bereaved. It would be presumptuous to expect that every survivor of grief would find equal value in the same form of assistance. Though a consoler's specialty may be cooking, an offer to bring food may or may not be appreciated. It is better to express one's willingness to help either in general or across a range of options, such as a physical act of assistance, through conversation, or just by being available when needed.

In reviews of condolences, scholars have identified less common alternative inclusions. The first of these is to share one's own grief accounts to offer insights or exhibit sympathy by way of solidarity. Another device included in some letters of condolence is the citing of a well-chosen reading from literature or scripture. Finally, some consolers provide potentially helpful perspectives on the loss by imparting a philosophy about life, death, or both. Care should be taken not to espouse religious beliefs that are contrary to those of the reader.

...