Infidelity

The Lies Cheaters Tell

One of the things that makes recovering from lies told to hide an infidelity so challenging is that, when cheating occurs, self-protective lies are often told under the guise of protecting the relationship. Often the unfaithful spouse claims to have lied to their partner in order to protect him or her from being hurt. For example, most victims of cheating partners are told, “I didn't tell you because I didn't want to ruin our marriage and family.” While this may not be completely untrue, much if not most of the motivation for lying about cheating stems from a desire to protect the self from censure for bad behavior and the accompanying punishment. If spouses truly desire to protect their marriage and family, they are unlikely to be engaged in an ongoing extradyadic affair. Even when the perpetrator truly believes that he or she is lying in order to protect the partner or relationship, at least part of their motivation is to downplay their own culpability and the seriousness of their actions, as if the partner not finding out about the affair somehow makes the affair itself less problematic. Most often though, the perpetrator is focused on trying to avoid as much conflict as possible while at the same time trying to maintain a self-image as a good person.

Second, lies told in romantic relationship situations are rarely one-offs. One of the problems with lying in these types of relationships is that once the individual starts lying, he or she has to keep up the pretense. The lies cheaters tell are complex and occur over a longer period of time than many other deception-related transgressions. In an ongoing affair, steps must be taken to hide the contact between the cheater and the extradyadic partner. E-mails, texts, phone calls, monetary expenditures, mysterious disappearances, and unexpected sightings by third parties must all be explained to the unsuspecting (or suspecting) relationship partner. These lies must build upon one another to form a cohesive story that will, the perpetrator hopes, protect the affair [Page 505]from being discovered. The problem is that these lies frequently come back to haunt the teller, who must then remember the lie, repeat the lie, and likely tell even more lies to maintain the original deception. This is particularly true with complex lies in which the lies are being told in order to continue with a deceitful behavior, such as an ongoing infidelity.

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