Deception and Trust

Frequency and Focus of Deceptions in Trusting Relationships

Multiple studies have shown that trustworthiness and honesty are seen as the most desirable characteristics in a partner, regardless of the length of relationship sought, or the sex of those involved. Trustworthiness and honesty ranked higher than having an exciting personality, good health, adaptability, dependability, sense of humor, and kindness/understanding. That having been said, however, the reality is that the vast majority of close relationship partners lie to each other at some point. Research has shown that the biggest deceptions that people undertake occur most often in the relationships with the people they trust the most. For example, studies show that lies occur in one of every 10 interactions that people have with close others in general. This ratio increases to one of every three interactions with a dating or common-law partner, and one of every two interactions that college students have with their mothers. In fact, 92 percent of people admitted that they had lied to their lovers.

When lying to those they are closest to, people most often lie in ways that benefit the liar by avoiding embarrassment, guilt, or inconvenience, though 25 percent of lies are told to benefit others by protecting their feelings or aiding in advancing their strengths or interests. Many of these lies are small or “white” lies, but when people tell serious, highly impactful lies, they tell them more often to their closest partners than to anyone else.

Impact of Deception

Some of the impact of deception is regulated by the victim's attachment style within the relationship. For example, people with a fearful or preoccupied attachment style, and who experience higher levels of anxiety about the possibility of abandonment, are particularly vulnerable to deceptions perpetrated by close others. The intent to deceive (and the transgression that the deception is usually created to hide) is interpreted by these individuals as significantly devaluing the relationship. This results in feelings of sadness, anger, and, most important, hurt. The impact of the hurt experienced in a trust violation cannot be underestimated because research has shown that hurt feelings produce similar physical responses to actual physical pain. Ironically, this same group of insecurely attached individuals tells more lies than those whose experience has led to a more secure attachment style.

A Deceiver's Distrust

Deception can be a vicious cycle not only in the sense that a liar may continue to lie but also because the more people lie to others, the more they perceive others as lying to them. This “deceiver's distrust” results in liars perceiving others as less honest and trustworthy than they actually are. There are at least two reasons for this erroneous belief. First, liars incorrectly assume that others are just [Page 261]like them, and therefore must share their motives to deceive. Second, believing that their deceptive tendencies as shared by others serves to normalize the experience of deceiving in ways that may make the actions more understandable, socially acceptable, and more palatable to the deceiver. Ironically, by succumbing to deceiver's distrust, betrayers do not trust others based heavily on their projection of their own negative motivations and actions onto others.

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